The beautiful thing about yesterday’s heaviness was the tears that came unexpectedly and intensely. I haven’t cried like that for a long time. As I learnt in my Ketamine Therapy group, which is based on First Nation teachings, tears are an honour. We must treasure them when they come to us. I have been searching for my missing tears for so long. It was such a relief to experience them. Being new to this process, it was also mighty uncomfortable. Healing is uncomfortable and I am doing it anyway.

I didn’t have the right words to talk about my Grandma yesterday. Sometimes words fail us. I didn’t do any of the things that I had dreamed of doing the day before yesterday. I felt bad for not doing them. At the same time, I kept asking myself what I needed. The answer was to keep snuggling up with my cat Cora, keep crying, keep taking it one step at a time. I was gentle with my fragile heart and that was enough.

Today was a heavy day too. No tears yet, but I kept the mood the same. I kept watching old movies from when I was teen and pre-teen. Some really great quotes from the movies. Familiar but I also couldn’t recall what they were about from the title, just that I had liked them at some stage. I’m not really a movie person. It’s definitely to do with my faceblindness and my difficulty with hearing, which is why I love captions.

I watched Sliding Doors (never seen it before), Closer, Stepmom and Life as a House. Tried to watch The Farewell, but it is a foreign film and the subtitles weren’t working and neither was the dubbing.

There was a quote from Life as a House that got me. Something about ‘I loved him too’. I should have written it down, like I usually do. Whatever the scene was, whatever headspace I was in, it made me think of my abuser, and the reality that I did love him too. I haven’t been able to access that truth before. I blocked him out of my mind, my life, my feelings. As I get closer to my wound, like my therapist told me this week that I needed to do, these new thoughts and feelings arise. Always unexpectedly. This whole healing journey has been a surprise.

I am headstrong. I know this about myself. I get convinced of an idea and move adamantly in the direction I am shown. Usually when I get to a certain spot, I am shown that the opposite is true. It may not be the complete opposite, so maybe instead I am shown an alternative point of view that I was blind to before the realisation. It is both refreshing and expansive. It’s a good way to experience a realisation. Now that I have quite a lot of experience with these surprises, I am more open earlier in my next mission.

So today was heavy. I felt it in my body. I felt it in my incessant hunger. I let it be what it was. Tried acceptance on for size. I truthfully do not know how to rest. I do not know peace. I do not know stillness. I do not know these things, yet. Keyword: yet.

I slept solidly on the couch for 3 hours. I tried going back to sleep when I woke but it didn’t work. Somehow the nap created space in me to action my overwhelming to do list. I even made a phone call to someone who I haven’t spoken to in months. It felt good to just chat for a short time.

My self criticism is at an all time high at the moment, too. I keep feeling it for what it is and then trying to renegotiate to a lower point. It’s been difficult. I am mighty cruel to myself.

The other beautiful thing I did yesterday was introduce Little Kate to Cora. It was after heart wrenching sobs, when Cora noticed and came over to investigate. When I introduced them to each other, I told Little Kate that Cora loves me and she loves you too and asked if she could feel it. I started laugh-crying instantly. I think that means she could feel it. I told Little Kate that Cora knows that we need love and that’s why she sleeps on our chest, shoulder, neck as often as she can. It is healing work that Miss Cora does for a living. I would be lost with that little cat.

These are the flowers I bought for Grandma, and Miss Cora asking why I woke her up. A beautiful offering for my Grandma, and in return I was gifted beautiful healing tears.

Lots of love,

Kate