I decided to just forgive tonight. A huge blockage in my path to healing. Fuck it. I’ll try anything, ya know. There is nothing I won’t do to help myself.

I sat on the back porch tonight, having my Mapacho. I reflected on where I am at. I was rehearsing what I would share for the next Ayahuasca retreat intention sharing circle. I was told my my shaman’s yesterday to keep my shares short. Here where we live, my shares are long and detailed. This time there will be more people present and so for time constraints, I must keep it short.

I want to share that I do not know what I need. That’s my intention in short. Of course, for me, there is more to say. There always is, now that I have found my voice. What I said outside by myself was perfect and now that I try and put it down on paper, it evades me.

I will have known Mother Ayahuasca for only 9 months by that time. I have only known my plant medicine, Ajo Sacha, since January. I usually have a laundry list of intentions to work on each night. This time I don’t have that. I put my love, trust and respect into these medicines, Mapacho included. I surrender to the path they want to show me. Which got me thinking, why do these medicines like me in the way that they do. Why is it that they want to help me so deeply? They are mighty forgiving of my missteps, of my ego, of my headstrong hellbent drive to address these laundry list items I deem keep me stuck. Sure, there are surprises and twists and turns in my intentions. This whole healing journey is one surprise after the next.

I digress.

Coming home to a quiet house and my sweet little cat was the welcome home I needed. Silence. Her purrs. Well, her attempt at purring. I felt relief of a new sort. An expansiveness. Almost as soon as I felt that, the busy mind kicks in. Hundred mile an hour thoughts. Distracting me from what is underneath. I respect my busy mind. I love my mind dearly. But our status quo keeps us from our true potential. Our destiny awaits. I feel pulled in so many directions. Lost without a compass.

So I showered, I got myself some food, I found a way to stream the American Dream by George Carlin documentary which I started on the plane. I restarted from the beginning again so I could take more notes. I took a lot of notes. So many wise revelations of self, of discovery of self.

I am outside having my Mapacho and questioning what is keeping me back. On one hand, I want the plant medicine’s help to magically dissipate the things that keep me stuck. On the other hand, and the hand that is holding the weight, I don’t actually want that. I want to be able to do it myself. Just like when I was at the beach by myself in January, I said to myself, why am I waiting until the next ceremony to do the uncovering and reflecting. I know the process. I know very loosely the process that Mother Ayahasuca has shown me. Why don’t I get honest with myself and the lies I am telling myself. Unpick this narrative and create a new one on my own accord.

With that same grain, I got to thinking about being on this path to forgiveness. I have known I am on this well defined path since my last ceremony, yet I haven’t really made any steps forward.

When deciding if I would open a diet, I was expressing all my excuses to the shaman, who said in reply “It’s easy. You acknowledge the resistance and you just surrender”. Easy for him to say, was my response. Cheeky, and true for me. He was also right. The diet is very easy, compared to all the road blocks I put up. An incredibly rewarding experience. I still can’t really believe I am doing this, and doing it so well, in my very limited experience. It is a lot for me to be taking care of myself the way I am required to for this diet.

I questioned myself. What is my resistance to forgiving? Why don’t I want to do it? My answer is my sadness and my anger haven’t been fully felt. I, my current self, believe this needs to be felt for me to forgive properly. This may be true. AND!!! I tried it on for size. Just on a whim. As causally as I am writing this. I said out loud “I forgive you, Pop”. I meant it too. Then I listed a few other people I also forgive truthfully, wholly, completely. Maybe not completely, completely. I forgave as much as I could in that moment, and it came to me so easily.

My sadness and rightful anger are still to be felt. They still exist. That hasn’t changed. Although tears rolled down my cheeks. I yawned a bit, a sign of purging.

My busy mind started again too. My intention to take stock of the people who have harmed me and those I have harmed came strongly in my mind. My mind, my greatest asset. Maybe one of my great assets.

Maybe to feel my sadness and my anger I need to take this step first. The step to forgive. I do feel different from it already. I had previously decided to leave the house in mild disarray from my homecoming and instead I cleaned up, put things back in their place and got myself to bed with the cat. There is new space there already.

I am so happy to be back in my own space, back to predictability, back to sleep, back to rest and recouping.

This morning when I saw my parents off on the next leg of their trip, I made sure to get a picture of them with their backpacks in front of the tour bus. We of course had said our top three highlights for yesterday when we sat for early morning breakfast. They were very grateful for my tour guide skills for our time together. Dad said “we could have done it without you, but it wouldn’t have been as good or the same”.

I don’t know what I feel right now. I have goosebumps so some part of me is resonating with all of this.

Can you just forgive too? Do it for the space it creates within yourself, however small. Let me know if you notice anything.

Lots of love,

Kate and Cora (meow)