“Forgiveness is to release the anger for someone or something” as Mister Rogers said in It’s a Lovely Day in the Neighbourhood.

I didn’t rate the movie, sorry, but I did like that quote.

Today was a very slow day. I found myself flying solo in the afternoon. Friends had invited me over for dinner but I declined in preference for being by myself. I sat on the stoop outside and decided to practice forgiveness again. It hit a bit deeper today.

I went inside and then Googled as I usually do lately when a feeling hits me, something I want to explore deeper. I searched for ‘Forgiveness movie Reddit’. I found a post and the second or third entry was someone declaring the line from Good Will Hunting that gets them every time was “It’s not your fault”. I broke down in sobs. Deep sobs.

I had watched Good Will Hunting for the first time recently. The same line got me good only a few weeks ago. Seeing it again written down, after my newly found Forgiveness Practice experiment, it clearly reached a new depth. Funny that the tears I have been longing for years came up so easily and freely. I give credit to my Forgiveness Practice. See when we process our feelings, it creates space within in us. What was once big and solid within us, it softens. It shapeshifts. It takes up less space, which in turn, creates more space for movement from other areas within us. Space within our hearts, or our minds, or our souls, maybe all of the above.

After crying I had a bath. The movie wasn’t what I longed for, but that line sunk in. My anger evades me too. It evades my conscious thoughts, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

Lately I have been dreaming of an ex-friend who I think about reconnecting with. I wonder what our exchange will be like if and when we see each other next. I play out scenarios in my head. This was what I dreamed of a few times recently, the exchange. It hasn’t ended well in the dreams. I didn’t journal on the dreams, my avoidance tendency. I seem to stray away from scenarios where I can’t predict the outcome. I thought of this dream in my Forgiveness Experiment and added their name to my list of people I forgive.

This list also includes me too. Please don’t think I get away unscathed. I have done wrong too. I have harmed others. I have done things I am not proud of which still haunt me even years later. If I have hurt you, please don’t think I don’t think about you. I do. I wish it didn’t consume me as much as it does. These thoughts are part of the reason I don’t love myself, why I deem myself unloveable.

So I add my ex-friend’s name to the list, to hopefully help with the dreams. The dreams are what I would call ‘disturbed’. They are uncomfortable and I do not feel rested from them. I am thankful for them. They are showing me my blind spots. They are showing me what is behind my curtain of denial in my waking life.

When I added Little Kate to the list of those to forgive, and felt it more deeply, this line about ‘it’s not your fault’ stirred something. I think coz I was talking directly to the part of myself that believes it was her fault. She believes her actions and choices have impacted our lives. They have, that is no lie. She did the best she could with her knowledge and skills. Now I can recognise that, I am doing the work to set her free. She deserves to be free and playful and how a kid should be.

I will do whatever it is I can to free all parts of me. All of them.

Forgiveness is a practice. It’s not perfect. It is not a one time attempt. You don’t have to do it all at once. I am very, very new to this Forgiveness Practice. It is already profoundly impacting my life and I only started yesterday.

I wonder how my dreams will change tonight.

Lots of love,

Kate