My heart feels like it is breaking apart. A kaleidoscope of my fragmented memories with a cocktail mixture of feelings poured over it. Trying to make sense of how all the pieces fit together. The shame that glues the pieces of my broken heart back together is melting very quickly. Too quickly to keep up with. I want so desperately to keep up with it. I need this level of healing.

As usual, dog tired. No energy. Huge appetite.

I interviewed someone in my life today. Recorded the session. We were reflecting on the year that was. How we are different from who we were a year ago. Quite emotional experience. More so for me, with my already tender heart. I am grateful to be granted permission to record it. I would love to release it as a podcast.

I gave Cora a bath today. She is nearly 18. My first time washing her. She wasn’t happy about it. But her level of trust in me made it a hell of a lot smoother than taking her to the groomers. After I dried her with a towel, she was still sopping wet. I decided to put her outside in the sun. I laid with her while she did her thing. She was extra lovey to me since then. I think she feels the cleanliness. My sweet ol’ gal.

I watched a weird documentary this afternoon. One about a guy that loses all his memories from being beaten up in a bar fight. He lives in America, and his rehabilitation support costs ran out, he was on his own. He was beautiful handwriting. They showed his journals from before the event. Stunning drawings in there as well. Afterwards, he isn’t able to draw again. So he decides he needs to start working on his imagination. It triggered a lot of things in me. I also don’t have memories. I have had many come back, but it’s heartbreaking to not know what you don’t remember. To be told stories and it doesn’t trigger anything.

Throughout the documentary, my mind was running on overdrive again. I was obsessing over recent events with particular friends. When I get like that, I can’t stop thinking, circling the same idea over and over and over. I do wonder if it’s a part of my genetic makeup. After calming myself down, I managed to conclude that all these events are related to lack of trust. If I told you the scenarios, you would probably conclude, like I did, that it was about my lack of trust with each friend. Friends are mirrors though. Everything I don’t like about them, I don’t like about myself. And so I dug deeper within myself to work out my issues lies squarely with me. My lack of trust with myself. This is all a test for levelling up. I might be failing the test, but I am not giving up.

Barely a snapshot of today. This is why I wanted to write a blog. My mind goes all over the place in a matter of minutes. It’s so quick to think, to prevent me from feeling. It’s protecting me from the sadness buried deep within. Grief is such a strange bedfellow. I am grateful to care so much about my life to be feeling this grief. I am grateful for the protective parts of myself helping me to process my feelings. I do not yet understand my inner workings. I will keep listening and reflecting to eventually find my way back to myself.

May the Fourth of love be with you, alwayths.

Lots of love,

Kate