I attempted another day of an Ideal Day. It was a much gentler start up. Sleep still evades me, which causes its own problems. Restless in the night, plus not wanting to go to bed when night falls. This consistent pattern of writing the same thing over and over again helps me to recognise my dissatisfaction. Once I am aware of a problem, I usually get sick of my own shit and take action. The lack of sleep and the lasting impacts are really making me want to go to bed earlier instead. Develop some quality sleep hygiene again.

Anyways, after not much sleep, I practiced giving myself grace. I sat down to journal as the first thing and I did it even though there was so much resistance in me. It felt good to honour my commitment to myself, to show up for myself. Though I didn’t want to do it. I wrote that in there too. I worried if I will ever be able to feel how Normal People feel. There was a glimmer of me operating like a Normal Person nearly a week ago. Where did she go?

I don’t have a plan. I feel lost at sea. At least I am in a life raft today. There is solace in that fact. I can go any direction I choose, yet I lack any navigation skills. How do I choose where to go? How do I get there? I need a plan. I need to write down the plan and I need to be able to see said plan to be able to refer to it to stay on course. There is so much noise in my mind. It’s a busy little thing, my thinking brain, always giving me a zillion things to think and worry about at any given time. No wonder I have sleep issues.

I did my one and only assigned task for today. Rather than my usual approach of the big long laundry list of things weighing me down. I was asked earlier this week what was keeping me stuck and so fat this week I have ticked off three of those things. A Normal Person’s week has a weekend, but I think I need to keep soldering on through the weekend to keep up my momentum. I have been very good at protecting my energy since I got home again. Well, I can hear my therapist asking me if I really did protect my energy or have I simply cut out everyone? We all know I have cut out everyone. I can’t deal with the outside noise at the moment. Well, that is protecting my energy. I don’t have much to give.

Thankful I decided to stay up and commit to my daily blogs. They are just for me, you know. The whole purpose of this exercise is to get to know myself better. One thing I am realising about myself, when I am in these depressive periods, is I forget things. Like I only just remembered now that I have therapy tomorrow morning. Totally slipped my mind. I would have been made at myself if I slept through that session. It’s on a Friday this time, usually on a Tuesday. I wasn’t happy with waiting this long for a session but it was a last minute request. I am not sure what we will be talking about. I just know that I need it. It will probably be about my new Forgiveness Practice and trying to go deeper with that. Maybe explore this newly felt and embraced depressive period. I also seem to forget to lock the back door, or even close it properly. I also forget to turn the stove top off. I have even caught myself nearly forgetting that the pan I am taking out from the oven is hot. It makes me sad more than anything, sometimes anger, that I can’t remember these simple things. Am I back on autopilot now too? I worked so hard to get out of that autopilot mode.

I had an idea today to interview a friend. Usually when we talk it is deep questions. Sometimes I ask to record them. They are very good quality conversations. I have this desire to punish my voice recordings of myself talking. It would be great to publish the ones with my friend. My intention for this new idea is to publish it. Of course I would disclose this intention. Though this time, I want to ask my friend trivial questions. Maybe like the GC questions, or the 73 questions from Vogue. See how long it takes before my friend clues in on what is happening. It would be very out of character for me to ask those types of questions. My friend is very funny, and quick of their feet when providing answers. I wish I was as clever as them. I wish my brain was as quick and crafty. I remember in high school people making comments that I was very quick and witty. It feels so long ago.

We went to a concert tonight. It was a solid show. I give it 3 out of 5 bright lights. They didn’t play the song we are newly in love with. They played a lot of old stuff, apparently. I am only a new fan, and so I can’t really critique too much. There was a gay couple in front of us. One knew all the lyrics to every song and was both lip syncing and singing for real, very loud and proud. He kept looking over lovingly to his partner when singing the sweet lyrics. I think that was my favourite part of the show.

I wrote in my One Line a Day journal just before signing on here. I am proud of myself for taking the time to write in there. I know when I look back on it, I will regret the days I didn’t show up for myself. Maybe that is the lesson in these practices. Showing up is half the battle. I quoted this in a recent therapy group I went to on Values. I was trying to find my North point on my compass. When I quoted it, I used the 80% stat. Showing up is 80% of the battle. The therapist countered that she thought the stat was much higher. She said her thoughts were it was 98% of the battle, and I think she might be right.

Case in point: I did not think I had anything to say when I started this tonight. Literally crickets in my head. Cora the Cat sat next to me looking at me longing. I gave her some compliments, which she took in her stride, and got to typing. I surprise myself with what comes out of me when I simply get out of my own way and create some sort of kinetic energy. Maybe I don’t need to know the way to get started. Maybe the path will reveal itself along the way. Maybe today was a bit of my Forgiveness Practice in effect without me even realising it. Recognising my shortcomings and taking action anyway.

Just try. And if first you don’t succeed, try and try again.

Lots of love,

Kate