Cora sitting on me while I am trying to write this. A long day of ticking boxes. Reparenting myself at its finest.

I nearly had a panic attack today. The low level hum of ‘something is wrong. I am wrong’ consistent in my day. The panic attack potential was real and scary. Somehow I strapped on my shoes and went outside. Almost instantly a calming. I already had thought of this desire to go for a walk to get Cora her pee pads, and so it was in the front of my mind and easy to get going even with the panic trying to take a hold of me. “Just walk” was what I said to myself, and walk I did. To do the errands I didn’t want to do. I did them.

This created a catalyst to keep going. I got home about 7pm and it was meant to be dinner time. My appetite has been low or absent recently. I have been forcing myself to make some food, worried the low blood sugar is aggravating my anxiety. Probably is. It’s all related.

Last night after my journalling to my Teenage Self, I recorded a voice note to her as well. When I went to sleep, in the lounge for the quiet and to snuggle with Cora, I had a vision very similar to ones I experienced while on ketamine. A crumbling of rocks at the top of a mountain. The rocks fell and revealed an open cavern underneath, except there was no connection to the level above. Kinda like a video game side scroll, except the rocks kept falling down. As they did, the two levels were joined by a smooth cover. Then it revealed the next level and it repeated down, level after level after level.

I take this as a reconnection of some sort. Maybe like what happened with ketamine except this time the levels are joined by my plant medicine and Mother Ayahuasca. It felt safe and sure.

I did really well today. Even though my scatter brain is all over the place. I did so much. I ticked so many boxes. I am dog tired. I did enough today and it feels like I have set in motion the energy for tomorrow. More tick boxes.

it is debilitating to be so devoid of energy and spark to undertake menial tasks. The low level consistent anxiety I am only just becoming deeply aware of, is with me all the time. So it’s this restless, heavy energy within me. I am taking it now as a purge, instead of my normal. I am in transition. I am about to level up. Every obstacle in my way is a test. Am I ready for the next level.

Born ready, as I like to say.

But dang, it’s hard.

Lots of love,

Kate