I added to my affirmations list today. I didn’t plan it. It just happened organically. It felt right.

Last night I was plagued with anxiety during the night. On the psychiatrist scales, my anxiety comes out as ‘mild’. Since my Depression Era, the peaks of anxiety have been unexpected and crushing. It’s a bizarre experience. I thought I had made peace with the constant buzz of anxiety through my veins, but these new peaks aren’t to be messed with.

Getting woken by anxiety is a bizarre experience. Each one got worse, like they were stacking on top of each other, trying to get my attention. The third one I needed external help. I can’t be sure of my approach for the first two. Perhaps denial, and rolling over pretending everyone was fine. It was just a dream, perhaps.

I can’t be sure I can label the third one as a panic attack as I have no experience with it, but it must be close. I was so panicked and frozen with fear. I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. I also wanted to handle it on my own, but I couldn’t.

Something in me told me to go and have a Mapacho. I somehow got up and put on a jumper and my shoes and headed out the door. We needed our washing done too, so I left with that in my hands. The cool morning air may have certainly helped.

‘Get outside’ – it never fails.

I put the washing on and as I sat having my Mapacho, my Thinking Self got to it.

‘What was that? There was no dream connected to it. There was no logical reason for the panic during the night.’

My interpretation was my body was trying to release information and my mind was refusing to answer the call. I wondered if the message to have Mapacho was from my plant medicine. I had been talking to my Selves and telling them I am ready for processing more. A purge of such. The idea did make me calm down a little. I was proud of myself for asking for help when I was in dire straits. What I really wanted was a hug from my Mum.

When I went back to the cabin, Mum was sitting on the couch putting on her shoes, ready to come and help me with laundry. I half broke down at the sight of her. I had already decided I was going to let her into my world, take off my mask, and show her how life can be for me sometimes. There was resistance in me to share with her, worried we would be rejected. She met me with open arms. I broke down a little in her arms. My voice was still shaky from the panic. She asked me what she could do for me. I said I needed to have a hot bath, help my nervous system.

Accepting help today was the highlight of my day. Relying on other people is scary for me. Relying on my parents for emotional support is new territory for me. I was bold in the most vulnerable way for me.

If this was a test, I passed with flying colours.

After my bath I felt slightly better. If I am honest, I was disappointed by the difference in me before and after the bath. I was expecting more. Once I got dressed, I laid on the couch. It was still very early in the day. Next thing, I am waking up at 12.30pm in the bed upstairs. It was a deep slumber though I didn’t wake rested. I never do, but I am always hopeful for the day I do wake rested.

My cheekiness was on full display though. I went downstairs and asked Dad if he was ready to go rafting, something he had been saying ‘no’ to for days in the lead up. He was very unsure about being able to navigate rapids, plus the water temperature of the river was only 4 degrees. Too outside his comfort zone for him to agree to such a nonsensical idea.

Yet, to my surprise he said ‘yes’. We had a great day out on the water. Mum and Dad both commented on how refreshing the ice cold water was, and they meant it.

Then at dinner they told me they had changed their flights and were staying with me for another few days, just like I had asked of them.

“We are not alone” was what I added to my affirmations. I use ‘we’ when referring to my mind, body, soul and spirit. I felt the meaning of those words truly and fully today.

Such a terrifying experience for me this morning, turned into a wonderful day.

Let’s see what tonight brings.

Lots of love,

Kate