Today feels devoid of motivation. Though motivation in its essence is fleeting, unreliable. Instead, it is our habits that get us through each day. Routine is something I have not possessed in this lifetime yet.

Keyword: yet

My resistance to posting my first blog turned out to this desire to be perfect. Who wants to read a blog from someone who is still messed up? Well, I do, actually. I don’t want to read about someone who has it all together. Whatever ‘it’ may be. I want my blog to demonstrate that healing deep wounds is possible. Healing is uncomfortable. Healing is non-linear, messy work. Why the need to show up perfectly then?

The whole point of this blog was to get to know myself. The things that have happened to me caused me to lose my sense of self. It’s an off thing to not know who you are. It’s an odd process to try and get to know who you are. Something worth documenting in my opinion.

So if I level with you, get honest, tell you what’s really going on, then I can stop this charade of pretending of pretending I have it all together. I am currently off work to deal with my mental health issues. Actually, more truthfully, I am off work to try and reset my nervous system. Poor thing lives between the worlds of Frozen and dissociated with flits of Fight. I have lived most of my life on autopilot, completely checked out. That makes me sad to admit that. I feel for my past selves trying to navigate all of this. Chaos was the order of my world. Actually, chaos is very much still the order of my world. I am trying to transition into routine and being organised.

On Friday I bought my very first planner. I haven’t owned a planner since high school and I am pretty sure in high school I only used it to write my friend’s birthday’s in it. So this is a huge development for me. Now what to do with it?

I have a lot of goals and a lot of ideas. Flying by the seam of my pants usually works out due to my Impulsive Self merging with the forces of my Driven and Spontaneous Self. My Dad’s voice in my head right now: Imagine what you could achieve if you applied yourself? I rejected that notion many times, laughed it off. He’s right though. I do pretty well with not putting in much effort to things. Imagine what I could achieve if I set my mind to it? The possibilities.

I have been off work now for 8 weeks. I have been able to achieve a decent amount of rest. I have done a lot of deep work, which is exhausting. At the same time, that valuable processing and transformation of old pain has created new space in me. Space in me to purchase a planner and find out how to actually use it.