Was on my way to Dreamland and decided to get up to record just a little something. I do envision showing up every day for myself will pay off in spades. How or when is yet to be seen. This is my form of art. It is very young and yet to be developed. I am cultivating my land.

Today was a birthday celebration in the form of an Old Growth Forest exploration. We drove past the entrance as it is now severely overgrown. We doubled back and found it. The entrance has purposely been destroyed to stop entry of the public. I walked up to assess if Mum would be okay to do it and came back down with an honest assessment. I told Mum it was hairier than last time but I thought she could do it. She said without hesitation she would give it a go. As soon as we got up to the remaining boardwalk, both my parents were in awe of the big trees. We hadn’t even started on the hike and Dad declared ‘this was worth it’.

I held Mum’s hand the entire way. I enjoyed taking care of her.

Big road trip back to my house. I did panic-washing and packed lightning quick, including drying of my clothes, unpacking the dishwasher, setting up the cat’s stuff.

I am so exhausted. Currently writing to you from Seattle. I had some inner turmoil come up while on the ferry. Uncontrollable anger. I literally did not have control of myself. Eventually I tried to use my thinking brain to help me out. I think it was my anger showing up mixed in with some other part of me. It was a catastrophising part. It was cruel and mean. I am not sure of its purpose. Has a layer been shed from last night’s vulnerable sharing and this is the result? I was focused on a present day issue, which I had no control over, and then next second I am wanting to tear everything down, hurt people. Was it the feeling of being powerless it was trying to protect. Will bring it up in my next therapy session. I did manage to talk myself down off the ledge, but it was difficult. I realised I need to get back into the No Bad Parts book to keep understanding myself.

At dinner, I got to share with my parents some details of a previous relationship, my plant medicine, some of my healing journey. I thanked each of them for being born and for being my parents. I commented on how my relationship with them both is changing in a good way. They were happy about that. Dad is quiet when I talk about these things. I also got to tell them about a former boyfriend cheating on me, and the impact it had on me. More context for their understanding of me.

I need to sleep for about 4 days after this. America is so expensive. I feel out of my depth with being here. I want to be at home… I made my bed, going to try and lie in it – figuratively and literally.

Will I ever not be tired!?

Lots of love,

Kate