I had therapy today. My first session in a few weeks. It was very much overdue. Could have used this type of energy release on Tuesday. Though maybe everything happens for a reason and this is perfect timing. My first session in a while, so naturally there is a lot to catch up on. It felt like an amalgamation of all the heavier hitters – love, fear, sadness, my Resistance, my Forgiveness Practice, my dutiful Ego, my Addictive Self, my Avoidant Self. That’s all I can think of off the top of my head. The thing about my memory not working very well, or at all, is even though this happened this morning, I can barely remember a thing of it. It frustrates me.

I was meant to go for a walk with a friend but they bailed on me. It was my fault though. I forgot about therapy until I was blogging late last night and then needed some space after the session. Then my friend had work. I was kinda relieved for it being postponed. I find myself with short energy bursts of wanting to do everything, everywhere, all at once. Then I crash out again. I was asking my therapist today if I should lean more into the rest component. They said yes. Rest is so incredibly difficult for me. I remember being sad when I was a kid. Not just sad, but depressed. This is back when I wished I wasn’t born type age. There was always urgency to get up and get ready and go. Being told if I was a grown up with a job, that I would lose it with an attitude like mine. Probably why I am always scared I am going to lose my job. How does one learn to rest when it is deeply engrained to definitely not rest? Well you take a nap when you’re tired for one.

When I got out of my therapy I needed a hug. There were the beginnings of some deep tears too. I ate some food and then laid down on my spot on the couch. I tried to prevent my busy mind from thinking so much and just let me be. I could feel myself trying to cry as I was slipping away to sleep. At the same time, I started getting visuals on my closed eyelids. My plant medicine was at work. I had actually just called on Mother Ayahuasca and my plant medicine to come and help me. I don’t know what exactly I needed help with, but they would know what I needed. Like a child calling out for their parents in the night, that was what happened. I got see the blue light of Mother Ayahuasca. A lot bigger than she has been lately. I surrendered to the plant medicine. I willing dropped my Ego, or rather let down my guard, to allow space for the plant medicine to work on me. I realised a huge blockage for me in my journey has been my Ego. My Ego was trying very hard to keep me safe and guarded. She did a very good job. But this same way of thinking has kept us stagnant for quite awhile. The fear factor is getting old, and it is outright exhausting. What we resist, persists. Maybe all that hard earned energy could be better spent somewhere else. More bang for ya buck type thing.

The plant medicine reveals a unique pattern to me. I only get to take a glimpse of it for a second or two. I should try and draw it. Most of the time the plant medicine is shy, or maybe strategic. Let’s me see just a tiny bit when I need it most. A reminder that hey, we’re still here, even if you are not aware of everything. I could see the roll of tapestry that it was unwinding from. I am not sure where it is being put, but I trust the process even more. I went to sleep. I woke up with memories of feelings towards one of my Aunties. I was screaming something like “You are a coward. How could you not defend your kid niece? You rejecting me is rejecting her. I knew I shouldn’t have come to you for help”.

My Missing Anger, anyone?

Rightful Anger. Justifiable Anger. Also, Misplaced Anger. Misdirected Anger.

I think that’s why I bury my anger. It’s going to hurt to come out. It is going to hurt me to surface. I cannot be sure of the direction it will fly when it comes out. My track record so far is not very good. That’s probably the part of me that I am truly scared of. Being scared of yourself is a strange realisation.

My only assigned chore for myself today was to take out the recycling. Not a big chore, no, but it took me all day to get there. I even tried to negotiate with myself to put it out tomorrow, which nearly won out. Somehow after spending hours cooking dinner and repeatedly looking at it, it calling my name, I finally answered the call. I was so stoked with myself after I finished. Coz I went all in. I unfolded all the boxes and put the different types of recycling in the correct boxes, which I don’t normally do. Then I rinsed out the bins, and sprayed it down, vacuumed. I know you don’t give a shit about my recycling. This is a big deal for me. To say I am going to do something and then doing it for myself on the assigned day. Pretty sure this is a SMART Goal of some description. I honestly attribute being able to do this task to the Amalgamation of Self from therapy this morning. My level of exhaustion is very high, and has been for a few weeks now. I did not think I had it in me to take out the trash. That’s where I am at. Do the work, reap the reward. The work and reward linkage is not always how you think it will be either, no, that still surprises me. Keeps it interesting though.

Doing stuff like this for myself has a flow on effect too. After I did that, I went and finished the laundry I did on the weekend. Not sure if you’re the same as me, but I can do all steps of the laundry, except the folding and putting away. Is that my ADHD at play? It made me keen to have a shower. I loved brushing my hair. I made a special outing after hours I would normally be out, to pick up the most amazing cherry tomatoes. Homegrown, spray-free. Heaven in your mouth when I am on such a restrictive diet for my plant medicine. Paying dividends for sharing my deep, honest feelings in therapy this morning. Totally worth it.

I have Sweat Lodge tomorrow. My first time in more than a month. The last time I attempted to go, it actually wasn’t in. I had only half read the email. Lucky I had texted the host before driving up there. He called me when I didn’t text back. He said that at least I know I am very ready for next time.

No clue what my intention will be. It feels right to go. It’s okay to do something underprepared. Makes the storyline a bit more fun too. The spontaneity I have been missing from my life. Funny too, the spontaneity I used to get from drugs and alcohol has been replaced by the spontaneity of soul soothing rewards for my conscious accountability for myself. Life changing stuff.

Lots of love,

Kate