It’s really late and I don’t want to be doing this. It feels significant.

It’s going really well with my parents.

Is it just me that’s different?

I set up my bedroom for my parents to sleep. A few months ago I set up an alter of love for myself. Many mementos, an ode to the love I have felt at different times in my life. From my Grandad’s Maori statues (turns out I am a warrior too), to my best friend’s daughter’s art, my Dad’s lounging frog in a pool ring, a trip I took with my Mum to South Africa in the form of an elephant with its trunk up. Art created for me by others from my ketamine therapy. My drawings I did in Peru when meeting Mother Ayahuasca for the first time. Other little figurines.

I set Mum up on this side. When making the bed I was reflecting on the significance of all of these things, all of these moments in time. It felt important. I draped the bed in the blanket my Aunt made for me, my Mum’s only sister.

For Dad’s side, I moved his mother’s artwork piece I was gifted so he could see it waking up and going to bed. I also took a statue of Shiva, the dancing Hindu God, from her belongings. It was weird for her to have that, or maybe not, coz I don’t really know her. She confuses me, my Nan on my Dad’s side. She was married to my abuser. I had a lot of confusing feelings when she passed. I don’t think I loved her. I am not sure I liked her even. There was something there. I think she liked me, and she didn’t like many people. She tolerated people. She tolerated the rest of her family. Dad was openly her favourite child…

So I moved these to his side of the bed. I moved the frog to his side too. Then I decided I wanted to show them the bedroom, to tell the little stories.

I showed Mum first. She loved it. She expressed it in her little gasps and admiring sounds. Curious, she was.

Then I was brave and asked Dad to come and see. He was awkward. There’s no other way to put it. I pointed out his mother’s art. She passed away at Christmas. That story is a huge mess, and beside the point. Maybe it is the point, actually. He was most taken with the frog. The story goes that I had asked for two of the statues and was told I was only allowed one. I reminded Dad of this and he said there are 12 and I could have more. Maybe at the time he didn’t understand what it meant for me to own them.

And so is it me that has changed here? It definitely is. Maybe it’s the real time shift in them that I can feel too. I don’t have the words to describe this yet. That’s okay. The words will come.

When everyone went to bed, I was overcome with this urge to cry. I don’t know why I was crying. It feels really heavy. It feels relieving. I have realised lately that I need to everything. Every step of the journey with the plant medicine, every emotion, every default action, everything. I keep trying to tell myself that I don’t need to know everything right now. I think I am also scared if I don’t work out what is happening in that moment, then I will forget the moment like all my other missing memories.

Mum admired my strength the other day. I told her the very high level summary of what has been happening. She commented that a lot must be happening in my mind all the time. She is right, that is true. I reminded her that I could my brain from her. I got my mind’s capability from her as well. Those words had impact on her.

I’m exhausted. As always, there is more for me to say, but I wanted to get something down tonight. As you can tell, it is very late.

Today was very significant. I don’t have all the answers and explanations. They will come in time. Maybe when I have a minute to just be. I couldn’t just be tonight. Even when I wanted to cry, my busy mind went on overdrive. A form of distraction from the emotional and physical pain that will come with this type of relief. I couldn’t help but think that when they leave for their two week trip that I will collapse and need to sleep for days. I kept thinking of all the things I need to do instead. I corrected the course and accepted it is okay to sleep. It is okay to rest. It is okay to be, even if it feels uncomfortable.

The last few months have been about me learning to be comfy getting uncomfy.

I am off to uncomfortably getting some rest.

Lots of love,

Kate

In my morning gratitudes, the first and most prominent gratefulness was about being alive. I am so grateful to have lived long enough to experience this moment.

Tonight, in my busy mind, I couldn’t help but wonder if once my soul achieve’s its life goal, does my life end? I am not ready to go. This is not the end. I just thought it odd to have this thought. It’s morbid. This fear still lives in me.