Another hectic day. Another chaotic day. I did my best and my best is enough.

The biggest thing to happen to me today was another mild panic attack. This extreme anxiety is new for me too. I had decided to open my journal from my teenage years. There is a lot of resistance to do this. It was fun and painful to read. I worked out that the journal is a goodbye to the world. I realised at the time, sure, but writing that sentence just now hurts a lot. Thank god, truly, thank god I have therapy tomorrow first thing. I need it.

I took pictures of some of the pages. Funny, insightful, lots of hurt, lots of forced happiness on the pages. I read out some of it to a friend. We were laughing and also admiring the deep insights.

“If you wrote that yourself, that’s really good”

I did write it, coz parts are scratched out and edited to find the perfect mix of words. There are a few like that. I also loved quotes and lyrics. Not much has changed.

It was only a few minutes between laughing and admiring before the panic set in. My shoulders were curled right over and so it’s no wonder I couldn’t breathe properly. I was of kind of sound mind to be able to think and take action in that moment. I began to run a hot bath.

My friend sent me a video not too long ago about how maybe instead of cold dips, a hot bath would be better to help settle the nervous system. So I got into the steamy bath and sat with myself. I recorded the conversation I had with myself too. It felt important to do. I tried hard to not change how I was feeling, but rather narrate how I was feeling in my body.

Before I got in the bath I had tried to change how I was feeling. I managed to journal a few lines while I sat naked in my office, waiting for the water to rise higher. The anxiety was rising higher and I couldn’t do it anymore. I had pains all through my body, rising upwards towards my head, but because my mind seems to be shut for business, it was getting stuck. Access denied to go to any higher floors.

In the bath I was shaking. Mainly my arms. My heart was beating very fast. I could breathe deeper as time went on. I refilled the bath with hot water when it began to get cold. I got restless in there too. Too much quiet time. So odd, though it makes sense that stillness is so hard for me to sit in. I had huge cracks in my back when I got out of the bath. I felt slightly better. Maybe reduced the panic by half. A huge improvement. I was still irritable. I felt like eating the world. I ended up having some food and putting myself to sleep. I knew deep work needed to be done to help complete the loop of my healing for this. When I woke I went for a walk into town for some herbal tea. It did me good.

Getting that heart pumping. I am trying to teach my mind that my body has use. Using my muscles releases some kind of happy chemicals or hormones. There is a reason exercise is prescribed by doctors, by everyone.

“Are you getting out of the house” aka are you moving your body? It works. It’s a no brainer. I am trying to educate my mind that my body has use to us.

I made a promise to myself that if we got through the day I would take us to the sauna and pool tonight.

I kept my word, even though I wanted to stay home and go to bed early. It was so good being in the pool. It was really soothing to be in the sauna and bask in the idea of ‘good stress’ on my body. I swam 1km. After swimming laps earlier this week, being my second pool session, my arms were very tired. I knew we could keep going, and we did. We got our goal.

I have another huge day tomorrow of trying to get things done before my parents arrive. It will be full steam ahead. I know ticking boxes will help me to access sleep at night. These next two weeks with my parents will be very interesting. I hope it goes well.

The universe is conspiring for me.

More happened, I wish I could write about it. I am exhausted and I need sleep. I am so proud of myself for honouring my word.

Lots of love,

Kate