I haven’t written here in more than a week and I am disappointed in myself for that. A lot has been happening. I had another Ayahuasca “retreat” on the weekend. I post one night that I was there, but ran out of time and energy to keep it up. I accepted that fact and then more time went past. I justified my absence to myself as needing rest and recuperation. Truthfully though, I think I was avoiding myself. It hurts to admit that.

I have lots to say, and not sure where to start. Me not showing up for blogging also translated in me not showing up for my journalling practice. So naturally I feel out of sorts at the moment as I haven’t been connecting with myself like I usually do, and how I enjoy doing. The difference in my desires for myself and my actions is the discomfort I am feeling. Awareness is the first step in the cycle of change.

This is enough for tonight. It’s late, I have freshly made banana bread in the toaster ready for a late night snack. I think I ate close to 10 slices of bread today. My vape ran out on Sunday, so that is something to do with it. I am determined to kick that form of self soothing for good this time. I am ready. At the same time, my body and my mind doesn’t know what to do with the restless energy that the adult pacifier was “soothing”. When we don’t face these emotions, feelings, thoughts in the moment, they go and live somewhere in our body until later. Well, later has arrived.

Also, tomorrow I find out if I made the next round for this writing competition that I entered a few months ago. I feel overly confident that I have made the next round and also know that I will be perfectly okay with not making the next round. It was fun, I enjoyed it and I will enter again. I love to write, which is part of my disappointment of not showing up for my journalling practice or my blogging endeavour. It doesn’t matter if no one reads my work. It is the process that I love so dearly.

So coz they announce who gets in the next round tomorrow, I will finally be able to post the story publicly. This is what I am excited about. Sharing my work.

And just coz the competition may be over, doesn’t mean I don’t have an opportunity to write. My problem is too many ideas, not enough follow through, in terms of writing. And you know what, I have the power to change that, which is also exciting.

Lots of love,

Kate