‘Time.

Changes faces, changes stories, changes points of view.’

– Trent Dalton – Boy Swallows Universe

Today was a hard one. There is a heaviness in me that I can’t see to shake at the moment. I can’t shake it because I am so weighed down by it that I can’t think of what to do, how to action, how to be.

These feelings aren’t new to me. No, I have felt these feelings once before. Back when I was a kid. Today they feel new because I haven’t felt them since I pushed them down way back when. It’s strange to reexperience them. It is strange to realise that they are not new. To pinpoint ‘Ah, yes, I remember not wanting these feelings then. And yet here they are again’. Unchanged, waiting, patiently waiting for me to be ready to feel them. To finish feeling them. To finish processing them.

‘What we run from,

Stays with us longer.

When you fight something,

You only make it stronger.’

– Chuck Palahnuik

I am not the same person I was when I pushed down these feelings. Well, I am the same person, but my viewpoint has changed. The hurt will remain unchanged until it is faced. I am ready to sit with myself to process this pain. So the pain will repackage, transform, be set free. That’s what taking action does. It sets us free – by a little or a lot. Progress is progress, no matter how small.

Today didn’t go how I intended it. That’s okay. I can have a day off from all of this, once in a while. The first day I haven’t actively worked on my issues in a very long time.

I did start on a friend’s card for his birthday. That’s a new development. He loves graffiti. I had the idea for the card last year, but again, from my fear of love, I didn’t finish it. So another friend not shown that I love them because of these unprocessed feelings inside of me. I’m working on it.

Felt weird to colour in again. Feelings of not being good enough came up from colouring in. How bizarre. I pushed through and I finished two rough drafts. I have developed my skills from last year by simply watching a YouTube video and applying what I learnt.

My Dad’s voice in my head right now, along with many different teachers – Imagine what you could achieve if you applied yourself. One of my many story arc’s.

When did you last colour in?