“So be sure when you step, step with care and great tact. And remember that life’s a great balancing act.” – Dr. Seuss

A little bit of time and space has done wonders for me. Today is Sunday and one where I usually fill it up with activities and chores. I am trying hard to find a new way through myself.

Yesterday was quite profound. I feel incredibly grateful to not only be invited to a First Nation Sweat Lodge, but be welcomed in so warmly. The male energy I experience sitting in those circles is impactful to me. My history with males has caused a severe, fractured relationship within myself and how my energy shows up and perhaps attracts broken male energy, it is deeply impactful for my Toolbox to be filled with new experiences with male energy of a different kind. Being surrounded by seekers, my Inner Seeker feels safe to explore to new depths. In saying this, the feminine energy I experience in these circles also impacts me. I am very new into healing my Mother Wound, so perhaps this is less impactful. These energies within myself are at different levels of re-experiencing.

My intention for this sweat was to deepen my relationship with my plant medicine. An ode of respect and gratitude for the work the plant medicine has already done for me. I realised recently that the depth of the work with my plant medicine is limited by the Resistance within me. I am getting in my own way.

What is this Resistance? I journal about the resistance in me frequently. I believe it is my own Ego, ultimately. My Ego is very large and all encompassing. It is large because inside of me is a very hurt, very scared, very sad little girl – Little Kate. It makes perfect sense that I have this huge Ego. The Ego’s job is protection. I don’t think my Ego realises that I have grown up. It is still stuck on the default mode of protecting me in ways I needed at one point, but don’t anymore. Maybe I still do need the protection it offers. I can’t know for sure unless I keep asking questions. Regardless, my Ego keeps me small and scared. It keeps me from taking action as once upon a time taking action could and may have caused some very real danger. More danger than I was already exposed to. How do I get past this point where I have been stuck for so long?

I surrender.

I was at an Ayahuasca ceremony a few months ago. I think it was end of last year. I was talking to the Shaman about my admiration for their ability to commit to a dieta. He rejected my admiration. I can’t remember exactly what he said but it was along the lines of “It’s easy. You recognise that path you have been on, that you want to go down a different path. You surrender and you do it”.

My response: “That’s easy for you to say. You are not me. I couldn’t do something like that”.

He rejected my response. Rightfully so. I am sitting here only a few months later, and I am nearly 5 months into my own dieta. It is going really well. It has changed my life. It changed my life so incredibly and so quickly. I can’t even believe it myself. It is no magic pill either. I, myself, have put in the hard yards to achieve the work I have. So to recognise my Resistance and my yearning to go deeper with the plant medicine, it was very natural to conclude my intention for this sweat.

I think it is my fourth sweat too. I am very new to this process. I was told initially, when expressing my concern about not being able to handle the heat of the lodge, the heat of the experience is totally dependant on the energy you are bringing to the lodge. For this lodge, I could barely stand around the fire. It was scorching hot. I made it through the first round and had committed myself to going without water until after the second round. On my first lodge, I had made it a point to prove myself by staying in, without water or a break, for the entire process. This time, while trying to befriend my Ego, I was having little talks with myself. The urge to do everything, all at once, versus the gentleness of being kind to myself. This kindness should not be confused with laziness, as I sometimes label it. This constant back and forth is exhausting in itself.

During the first break, I talked with a new friend there who was laying down to cool down. I talked about my Ego and the process I was going through during the round and now that we were resting. I was trying to tell my Ego to take note of this constant stress we were experiencing. How we didn’t have to push ourselves to the utmost outer limits, that constant stress was okay, if it was manageable. This new friend heard my words and she told me later she adopted the thinking into her own practice. She also had the desire or yearning to stay in as long as possible without rest or water. She chose a new path for herself based on my honest share.

The host also talked about the Ego at the beginning of a round. He shared his thoughts he had on his way to the lodge. Sometimes we do our best thinking alone in the car. It aligned quite well with my intention. I wondered if he had the calling to share based on my intention. I enjoy listening to his counsel. He has the perfect balance of feminine and masculine and is an incredible host.

After the lodge, I went down to the river and mustered the courage to get in. It took me a few minutes of debating. I was encouraged by those down at the water to dive in. The water was crystal clear and flowing gently this time. When I finally dove in, the icy cold water took me back into myself. It was breathtaking. I was gasping and saying a lot of oh-my-goshes before I settled back into myself. It was deeply cleansing. I wish I spent more time in the water but in the moment I was having a conversation with myself, and my Ego. “Don’t push too far, Kate”.

And I didn’t.

It’s amazing how quickly intentions can be realised in practices like these.

Seeing the bear when I was leaving was a sign I am on the right path. I certainly don’t have all the answers, but I am making the next right step forward. It’s an odd experience to be thinking so clearly for that next right moment, being hyperaware of all the things keeping me stuck, not seeing the direction or destination I am headed. Taking the leap (or step) of faith forward anyways.

I nearly had a vision when I was laying down on a log after one of the rounds. My plant medicine showing me it has me. The parts of me realising the plant medicine can be trusted. My deep trust issues rising again as a test to see if I am ready to level up.

As I like to say, I am born ready.

I am incredibly honoured to be gifted my intention so openly. The universe is conspiring *for* me. It took me awhile to realise that. It will not be wasted on me.

Lots of love,

Kate