Exhausted again. I keep riding this wave of extreme tiredness. Busy days, with no time to nap or chill. Sleepless nights of disturbed sleep again.

Short post of today’s highlights:

• Asking Mum and Dad if they were ready for a meditation. Both willing participants for my mischievous call for action. Mum was a ‘hell yes’, Dad reluctant and more ‘what am I getting myself into?’. I intentionally blind sided them, as I do, but this was with a loving shove in the direction of my choosing. It was mentioned about an eating meditation, and how after the experience you really start to unexpectedly notice what your tongue is doing throughout the day. At breakfast when I asked Dad how his meal was, he made his appreciative comments on the food and then pointed out what he was really noticing was what his tongue was doing. I don’t know how to describe that feeling in me in that moment. Part awe, part something else.
• Talking with my Mum this morning in my room. I asked her if she slept well. I asked her if she liked the Altar of Love I set up. She told me she enjoyed staying in my house, loved seeing where I live, how I live. She told me Dad was really touched that I thought of his late Mum with the painting of hers, the statue of Shiva. I told her about my path to forgiveness, my complicated feelings about my Nan’s passing. Nan features in my fragments of trauma memories. She knew of the abuse. Her involvement is muddled still. Maybe my denial at play. Shit went down with me and my parents at Christmas because of that. When I talked of my path to forgiveness, I talked about how I am not there yet, but I will be. Mum replied she doesn’t think Dad could ever forgive…. I didn’t react at the time. I cried a heavy, tearless cry in the shower after, only shortly. I buried the tears in preparation for breakfast. There is a time and a place. My inner turmoil, though different to usual, is the likely cause for my exhaustion. All this energy and no proper outlet.
• I told my parents of my intention to read from my Ayahuasca journals when we visit our next spot. Dad didn’t say much, Mum said she would quite like that. I have a gift for each of them that ties into all of that. An Ayahuasca pendant for my Mum. A little green tree frog for Dad. I am both excited, truly, and apprehensive, and sad, and everything, all at once. It’s going to be a lot. I have shown up in the best way I possibly can in my current form. This is the right path. It’s a nice (? wrong word) feeling to feel sure footed on my path to forgiveness. To ask for an opportunity to express myself, and for it to be open on their end. It’s going to fall on my Dad’s birthday, which is not intentional. But the significant dates thing at play again.
• Taking Dad to the plant shop knowing he would buy me new plant gifts. Like a kid in a candy store. Surprisingly, or maybe unsurprisingly, he bought me two. Two odd looking plants that I love so much already.
• Dad getting lost in his music collection after purchasing new Dr Dre headphones for himself. I could hear the music so loudly from across the room. Really gotta adjust the volume limitations to help protect his limited hearing. He really does love his songs, a repeat offender of playing the same song over and over again. Must be where I get that from.
• Sitting next to my parents in the Jerry Seinfeld show. Watching the tears roll down my Dad’s face. Experiencing the laughter from clean, funny, complaining jokes that is Jerry. I was so relieved the show was short so I could get home to just exist again.
• We watched a few episodes of Slow Horses. My Mum is so clued up on shows like that. Picks up on the smallest of clues. Her huge, unfiltered reactions to twists and turns is even bigger and louder and more expressive than mine are. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
• Sweet cuddles with my dear cat, Cora. She is an angel from the heavens above. I will miss her when she is gone. I hate that my mind tries to lessen the blow of her loss when she is still well and truly earth side….. Part of me is trying to reduce the blow, part of me putting me back into the present. An ongoing tug of war.
• Being really proud of myself, and all the parts of me that got me to this place, being this version of myself, knowing I still have more growing to do, and being excited for who I will eventually grow into.

Lots of love,

Kate