Intimacy

noun

close familiarity or friendship; closeness.

Latin Root: “Intimus” means “inmost, innermost, deepest”. 

My ‘Word of the Year’ for last year was ‘intimacy’. It became glaringly obvious to me that I struggled with closeness of other people. I am a great organiser of events and get togethers, because of my struggle with intimacy. I realised that I didn’t like or feel safe with people if it was one on one time. When I was walking down the street with someone I was meant to love dearly, I physically felt myself pull away when I realised they wanted to get close to me. Nothing was wrong about the situation. I was safe. I was loved. I just didn’t want any of those feelings. I didn’t want them near. The disgust on my face actually hurt to contort it in that way. The pain of my face was when I knew I had a problem.

I booked a therapy session soon after. I didn’t tell anyone about it for a while either. It was my private predicament. Not one that I thought anyone else could relate to. How can you feel disgusted by someone trying to be close to you? I didn’t know what to make of it. This was how I came up with my word of the year. I decided to address something I feared. I tried my best with it. I talked about it with my therapist on and off. I tend to jump topics depending on the fire at the time – maybe some avoidance still lingers in me. I tried my own version of exposure therapy and tried to do one on one time with friends. It did get easier for sure. But there is clearly more to do.

‘Do one thing every day that scares’. Just wasn’t expecting the thing that scared me to be intimacy…

In the last few weeks, some more clues have been piling up in the back of my mind. I mentioned it briefly to my therapist on Friday. We worked on something else though. So tomorrow I am doing therapy again to begin to address this.

The evidence that was most shocking to me, and my kick up the backside to face this head on was realising that I am scared to be home alone. I have known that I would have chill time for myself for a short time and was truthfully looking forward to it a lot. I am never usually alone at home. Like ever. So when the day approached, it dawned on me that I was scared. When asked why, I responded ‘I think I am afraid to be alone with myself’. Another odd revelation. I am proud of myself for saying it out loud.

Today I avoided myself all day, too. I actually have no clue what all of this is about. I have taken a double dose of my plant medicine tonight and look forward to interpreting my dreams in the morning. I will have sufficient time to journal, yoga and eat in the morning before the session. That is, if I don’t avoid myself during that sacred time.

To be continued.

Lots of love,

Kate

PS Gonna try watch ‘Are you there God, it’s me Margaret’. To try and connect with my 12 year old self. Apparently it’s good, but I am quite picky. Is this a way for me to avoid myself too? Going to bed is so incredibly difficult for me. It’s all connected.